


Come Drink With Me

by analog_rain



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22826563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/analog_rain/pseuds/analog_rain
Summary: To be honest, being fond of alcoholic drinks and liquor isn’t something Donghyuk thought he’d do. But it was inevitable that he’d go into it, and thinking back on everything, was also inevitable for him to develop the fondness. After all, a lot of memories that are close to his heart (and almost broke it) have something to do with it, one way or another.And with Koo Junhwe. Unexpectedly.Originally posted in asianfanfics asWhiskey Nights
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Donghyuk
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I used this whole fic as a stress reliever for work so please lower your expectations ^^;;
> 
> Rated M for alcohol use and mild sexual themes  
> Warnings: not beta read, OC plot devices, hints of anxiety & eating disorders, and careless use of alcoholic drink types and names

To be honest, being fond of alcoholic drinks and liquor isn’t something Donghyuk thought he’d do. He was aware of the negative side effects it can give to the body, and the images of men drinking wasn’t all that cool to him. But it was inevitable that he’d go into it, and thinking back on everything, was also inevitable for him to develop the fondness. After all, a lot of memories that are close to his heart (and almost broke it) have something to do with it, one way or another.

And with Koo Junhwe. Unexpectedly.

The first time Donghyuk tasted alcohol wasn’t when he turned 21. It was when he was a few years younger, on the night before the WIN finale. He couldn’t sleep with the gears in his mind continuously stirring and his stomach flipping every 5 minutes, so he went out of his shared room with Yunhyeong to watch tv.

Jinhwan was coincidentally at the kitchen, sipping from a can of Cass that Donghyuk had once seen hidden deep in the lower cupboards. The elder had stopped in the middle of another sip, blinking at him in mild surprise, before raising a finger to his lips as if to say “Don’t tell.” Donghyuk had shrugged and sat himself at one of the dining chairs across, choosing to comfort himself with the presence of the mat-hyung instead of the midnight tv replays.

“Can I have a sip?” he’d daringly asked; anything to get his mind off what-ifs. Jinhwan rejected him by telling him point-blank that he’s a minor and that he should be in top condition for the next day. Donghyuk didn’t push.

But then, Yunhyeong came out a minute later, also unable to sleep. Then Bobby with his Pooh bear, Hanbin and finally Junhwe.

Soon, the lone Cass can was joined with another one; shared between the older members. As maknaes, he and Junhwe only watched the hyungs, though he bet Junhwe was dying to take a taste. It’d be his first time too, Donghyuk believed. As if they’d taken pity, or it was a matter of team spirit, Jinhwan eventually let him and Junhwe have one small sip.

Junhwe volunteered to be first, smirking at himself and pretending to take it in stride before gagging. The hyungs cackled at his fellow maknae then told Donghyuk he can back out if he wanted.

He could, but letting Junhwe be embarrassed by himself doesn't feel right either, so he grabbed the can from Junhwe and gulped one sip.

He gagged too of course. The hyungs laughed again and dropped the immortal line of alcohol being too early for them. Hanbin was pulled into it because of his flushed face.

Junhwe shrugged at that assessment with a deep set frown. Donghyuk turned to him, sticking his tongue out in embarrassment. He smiles when Junhwe drops the frown to snicker at him instead.

The next night, right after the WIN finale, Donghyuk cried his heart out. The hyungs, both despaired and tired, pulled out some of the remaining hidden sojus and beer cans from inside the cupboards. “Come drink with us.” they told him and Junhwe. Their manager was there but said he won’t tattle, just for that night.

As maknaes, they didn’t decline. But even without saying anything, both of them ended up not consuming any alcohol at all. He sniffed and rubbed away tears the whole time while smiling at Yunhyeong’s joke attempts. Junhwe stayed uncharacteristically silent beside him, eyes dead locked on the table. Their hyungs understood and didn’t push them to take a sip of the soju shots.

Under the table, Donghyuk reached towards Junhwe, patting his kneecap in a gesture of silent comfort. He didn’t expect Junhwe to reciprocate or say anything, so it was quite a surprise when he felt Junhwe’s hand cover his own, squeezing his fingers as if to say “I’ll be fine” before letting go a moment after.

And though he was the one who wanted to comfort, Donghyuk was the one who felt reassured instead. It was enough.

\--

Of course, it was during the night of his 21st birthday when Donghyuk had legitimately drank. It was the perfect time, Donghyuk thought. He was finally an adult. Had finally debuted with his sworn brothers. Perhaps the tears and hardships would lessen a little from then on.

It was so very late at night and everyone was tired from filming the whole day. However, Bobby whipped out 3 bottles of expensive soju seemingly from out of nowhere (he later found out it was hidden underneath the stash of clothes under Bobby’s bed) and suddenly the rest of the hyungs started cheering, telling him it’s time to induct him into their country’s drinking culture.

Junhwe complained, saying he’s “technically” an adult too already so why wasn’t he included? Jinhwan and Yunhyeong gave Junhwe the Disappointed Mom look while Hanbin and Bobby stood up to fetch the leftover birthday cake from the fridge.

With a sense of camaraderie, he’d sided with Junhwe and had cheekily pushed one bottle of soju towards his chingu while taking another one for himself. The two eldest shook their heads at their antics, warning them.

Needless to say, Hanbin and Bobby went back to the living room to see him and Junhwe gagging and slumping on the floor (once again). The two took advantage of that to dump the leftover cake on his face. Junhwe wasn’t spared. Chanwoo was too amused to help and instead, had filmed them on his phone.

He’d reached out to spread the icing on Junhwe’s face more, laughing louder at the other’s shriek before taking revenge. “Still kids, both of you!” Jinhwan exclaimed amidst Bobby’s obnoxious laughter. By that time, the flavor of soju had settled on his tongue, somehow letting him be used to it. Donghyuk still doesn’t like it but perhaps, if he’d drink it in moments like _this_ , laughing and celebrating with his members, he’d enjoy it like how most people do.

“Yah, you’re getting too brave messing with me just because it’s your birthday.” Junhwe told him when the laughter died down a bit. Donghyuk had smirked at him, trying to taunt, but ended up laughing again. Junhwe laughed back.

Both of them are adults now. He’ll try to get used to alcohol soon so they can drink together.

\--

But with all the intense practices and concerts, it took much longer before Donghyuk started appreciating the adult drinks. Let alone, drink with his chingu who had already leveled up ahead of him in terms of alcohol tolerance.

Korean schedules were nowhere in sight and their everyday lives consist of going to the airports and doing two concerts a day. The concerts were welcomed though, and he much rather sing and dance on stage every other day instead of having nothing to do, but sometimes it can be draining. It doesn’t help that he can see the same with his members, at how the pure passion for music and their job started ebbing away little by little. They were all tired.

Eating good food was such a comfort. He found himself grabbing a bag of chips during concert waiting time backstage, or going all out with his orders whenever the team eats out. Most of the times it’s enough. Yet there are instances too when it wasn’t.

There was this one night in Japan when he felt restless even after a satisfying steak dinner. He laid down on his bed, staring at the ceiling and his breathing getting faster by the minute. Then when he turned to the side to sit up, he caught a glimpse of the empty white-colored Kirin beer can that wasn’t included in the hotel’s complimentary drinks. Bobby had consumed that before they had eaten out.

It was weird how Donghyuk didn’t think of asking Bobby to drink with him when the desire to do so hit him. It should have been the most probable train of thought but instead, he remembered that time during his coming-of-age birthday, of the hyungs’ laughter while he and Junhwe smacked each other with cake frosting - both of them still averse to the bitter taste of soju.

He decided he wants to drink with Junhwe, his same age friend. Surely he and Junhwe can relate to each other the most.

Not necessarily, he found out.

Junhwe was in his own room when Donghyuk knocked on the door and let himself in. But there’s also Jinhwan and both of them are sitting at the small living space, a jade-colored glass bottle standing on the table between them, two wine glasses filled by a fourth with scarlet. Red wine.

“...what’s up?”

Being honest shouldn’t be a problem. Donghyuk could have said he wants to drink with Junhwe and since their eldest is already there too, the three of them can drink together. The more the merrier, right? He can take advantage of the time too to improve his tolerance.

But the sight of the two of them… Donghyuk felt like he’s intruding on something. Minute details became magnified; the red color of the drink they’re sharing, how their hands are so close, the crease in between Junhwe’s eyebrows...

His breathing started to quicken again.

“Do you have extra facial tissue? I already used up mine.”

Jinhwan reacted fast, standing up from his seat and offering his since he brought the large-sized packet. Junhwe stretched an arm towards the hyung, stopping him from leaving, before pulling his packet from the TV stand.

“Here.” Junhwe tosses and Donghyuk catches easily. “Anything else?”

How about inviting him to drink too?

“No. Thanks!”

He’d smiled and left, scolding himself for the expectation he let himself have and the accompanying irritation for not having that expectation come true.

Good for Junhwe though. He has someone to depend on now.

Good for Donghyuk too, because when he returned to his shared room, Bobby greeted him with a playful grin as he proudly showed a small bottle with strawberry illustrations at the bottom part of the label. His limited Japanese vocabulary is enough for him to read the characters on the sticker. Sparkling wine, strawberry flavor. Light and sweet, it said.

“Might be easier for you than a Kirin or an Asahi.” Bobby explains, still with the grin.

Donghyuk’s breathing calmed down. Grinning back, he happily accepts his hyung’s offer.

This should be much better.

\--

Eventually the sparkling wine became too light for Donghyuk. The sweetness doesn’t comfort him any longer so he’d taken it as a sign for him to level up.

Full-bodied wine was the most tempting option.

White wine first, then red. He discovered he liked them both, much more than the light sparkling variety. He’d drink whenever he’s allowed to, when there’s no concert the day after, or when he just wanted to relax.

Bobby’s his go-to person by then but the rapper wasn’t that fond of wine so he’d rarely join Donghyuk. Jinhwan on the other hand, was fast to notice Donghyuk’s new preference. Their eldest was happy and willing to recommend him his favorites, but was also quick to say the standard reminder about moderation. It wasn’t really convincing given that Jinhwan drinks more often than any member of their group, but Donghyuk didn’t argue.

“Did you get tired of drinking with June?” he asked because this is already the fourth time they’re sharing wine.

They were sitting at the dining area of their dorm, tasting a 2004 Cabernet Sauvignon that Jinhwan had purchased from a Duty Free. The night was particularly quiet given that half of the members are out visiting families. That included Junhwe.

Jinhwan responded to his question with a snigger and a small sip from his wine glass.

“No. I love drinking with him.”

Donghyuk nods.

“But it doesn’t hurt to have a conversation with another person, especially when said person can make more sense.”

That made Donghyuk chuckle and tease his hyung about dissing someone who’s not there. Jinhwan shakes his head in amusement. “What? Don’t tell me you think otherwise.”

Well. Donghyuk wasn't exactly in a state with Junhwe where he can confidently agree or disagree. Unlike Jinhwan.

“I’m not sure hyung. I don’t talk or spend time with him like this as much as you do.”

“Ah.”

His words seemed to have taken Jinhwan aback. There’s a pregnant pause, intentionally taken to gather thoughts. Donghyuk had started swirling the red liquid in his glass when Jinhwan spoke again.

“You know, I’m positive June wants to drink and talk with you like this.”

Donghyuk smiles in default, not quite sure how to take the new information in.

“That’s nice. June never said anything to me, though.”

“He was saving a bottle of sparkling rosé wine.” Jinhwan narrates with a hint of a question in his voice. “Yeah, it was around our first few Japan tour concerts.” Another pause, realization dawning. “I asked him why he got that bottle but he said it’s none of my business. You were so into sparkling drinks that time.”

That cracked Dongyuk’s smile a bit. “S-So…”

“So,” Jinhwan grins. “I think he was saving it to drink with you. The dumbass probably chickened out as usual and ended up drinking that bottle by himself. Haven’t seen it since.”

That was both a big relief and disappointment. It’s very, very nice to know Junhwe had some thoughts of drinking and hanging out with him, and even made an effort - _if_ Jinhwan’s right with his conclusion. More than the relief however, Donghyuk doesn’t understand why Junhwe didn’t so much as given him a hint about it. Why would his chingu chicken out? (And what’s with “as usual”?)

“Or the sparkling wine was just a coincidence and he just really doesn’t see me as an enjoyable person to hang out with.” Donghyuk averted his gaze a bit, choosing to stare at his own glass and not at Jinhwan. Afraid that he’ll unintentionally reveal something he doesn’t even know yet.

He’d felt Jinhwan’s gaze at him - scrutinizing more than friendly, and so had stretched mere seconds into what felt like hours.

“I can say the same about you. You don’t really give any impression that you’re interested in June more than being a labeled same-age friend.”

But don’t take it the wrong way, Jinhwan had added quickly. He only said it in hopes that Donghyuk would be the one to take the initiative, because they all knew Junhwe wouldn’t. Koo Junhwe wasn’t the kind of guy who would approach you first, even with the people he already spent years with. There were very few exceptions and Donghyuk obviously wasn’t one of them.

And yes, Jinhwan was right. Donghyuk really didn’t show enough outwardly interest. It wasn’t obvious to him before but now that it’s pointed out to him, Donghyuk felt ashamed.

“If you take the first step, I’m sure June-ya will jump into it.” Jinhwan finishes with a big gulp of his wine and a soft smile - meant to reassure and to encourage.

Donghyuk was indeed encouraged so he agreed, swallowing up the remainder of his wine like how his hyung did.

He wished he was assured too, that he was confident enough in the foundation of his bond with Junhwe to truly trust Jinhwan’s assumptions.

\--

Donghyuk did take the first step.

But it didn’t end well.

_“What is he doing stupidly playing in clubs like that?”_

_“Did he think he’s some big shot now? He’s just a rookie.”_

_“I pity his fans. Look at him being all smug clubbing without a care.”_

It shouldn’t matter. So what that Junhwe’s having fun in a club? He’s human, barely an adult and wants to experience the things people their age do. But Junhwe is also an idol. One of the most popular members of his group at that, thus had a lot more eyes drawn to him.

And so the heavy backlash despite a number of fans defending Junhwe. There’s a call from Yang Hyun-Suk’s office asking him to see the boss alone, in which he surely ended up being harshly scolded and warned of repercussions. Everyone chose not to mention it afterwards. They just exchanged comforting hugs and pats on the back, and that was it. Junhwe acted like he’ll be alright, like how he always does.

But come night, when Hanbin was out in the studio with Bobby, while Chanwoo, Jinhwan and Yunhyeong were at Winner’s dorm, Donghyuk happened to overhear Junhwe crying inside their room. He could have done an about-face and let his chingu have his alone time; cry out his frustrations and wake up the next day with renewed vigor.

That didn’t sit very well with Donghyuk, however. It bothered him so much and just standing there doing nothing worsened the feeling. There was a last shot of hesitation, reminding him that he probably wasn’t the best person to comfort Junhwe. Yet Jinhwan’s words of taking the initiative also resurfaced, so Donghyuk decided it’s time.

He’d brought in two bottles of soju and a large-sized bag of barbeque-flavored chips. Junhwe cursed when he offered to keep him company, all the while wiping his tears and adjusting himself so Donghyuk can sit beside him.

Donghyuk resisted the urge to grin for not being rejected. Looks like Jinhwan’s right about taking the initiative.

And it was going well at first. He’d handed Junhwe one bottle and Junhwe accepted it without any complaint. The junk food was opened and they silently sipped and ate. It wasn’t one bit awkward and Junhwe even leaned his body more to him, enough so their shoulders are bumping. The soft playing of a Bruno Mars song in the background is a nice touch.

Then Donghyuk started talking and things went south.

He wanted to give reassurance, to comfort Junhwe further using words. It wasn’t your fault, he said. But it’s still a valuable lesson learned. I’m here for you. Let’s do better next time.

Junhwe tensed up, sighed heavily, then placed his soju bottle back on the floor. Donghyuk watched in nervous confusion as Junhwe stood and grabbed a jacket flung over Hanbin’s desk chair.

“W-Where are you going?”

“Out. Jogging.”

Why? Donghyuk almost blurted. Junhwe left their room before he could even think of a better thing to say, and he stayed there wondering what he did wrong.

Much later, when it was almost midnight and Junhwe still hadn’t returned, he’d went out of their room to see if the other members knew where his chingu was. Turned out he didn’t even have to ask anyone. Jinhwan’s door wasn’t closed, a gap opened enough so the light of a low lamp filters out and the hushed voices from inside can be heard if he stood directly in front of the door. There were sniffles, soft sobs, and frustrated grunts.

One more careful step and Donghyuk was able to peek. Jinhwan and Junhwe were sitting side-by-side, Junhwe’s head downcast as Jinhwan rubbed circles on the other’s back. No words were exchanged; only the silence and Donghyuk instantly got it - the reason why Junhwe closed himself to him earlier.

The shame Donghyuk felt was so heavy he felt suffocated. He still had a lot to learn.

\--

And an apology to give.

Donghyuk offered a can of the peach flavored carbonated drink plus two packets of convenience store hotbars. They’re the only things he can manage considering the “No alcohol before flight” rule the managers have on them.

(The peach drink technically contains alcohol, but no one except Hanbin gets tipsy from it, so.)

“I’m sorry.” he simply said, knowing Junhwe won’t need explanations and excuses.

Junhwe accepted his peace offerings then told him to buy another one of the peach drink from the store. “I can’t be the only one getting in trouble for this.”, he said. Donghyuk smirked, Junhwe smirked back, and that was that.

Junhwe still hadn’t opened his heart more, but that’s alright. He’ll just apply what he’d selfishly advised to Junhwe: do better next time.

\--

There were many “next time”s but he ultimately didn’t grab them.

Thing is, when he can barely hold himself up, he has no business trying to build onto his bonds with other people. Days went by so fast and the pressure pushed onto them had been increasing tremendously. Their concert sales statistics had been huge, yes, but so was the helplessness in maintaining what they’ve established at debut. One by one, their homeland fans move on to other groups, and the frustrations with waiting would bleed into disappointment and high expectations. All the while, they can only watch and give the usual promises.

Barely any sleep, memorizing lyrics in 3 languages, familiarizing choreography for songs that may or may not be released. Sometimes it’s so difficult to breathe, Donghyuk felt like he was drowning. Shopping couldn’t do much for him anymore. Not as much as how food and drinks comfort him, that is.

Before he knew it, he’d started hearing passing remarks; started reading loosely-made comments.

_“Dongdong’s getting thick. So cute.”_

But ‘getting thick’ wasn't what he had in mind.

_“His cheeks are full compared to before. He must be eating well.”_

He’s indeed eating well. Was it a bad thing..?

_“Shouldn't he think of losing some weight now? kekeke”_

...Maybe he should. He didn't feel as light as before.

So that’s what he did. No food as much as possible, complement that with exercising at the gym. If his body can gain weight easily, it can lose it just as easily too. Anything to please their fans.

A few months, he did that. A few months and he could finally look in the mirror and be confident that he’s a better version of himself. But instead of praises, he got outcries.

His members and their dear fans were worried. Suddenly, the better side he worked hard for became something horrific. Numerous tangles formed in his head, confusion and shame mixing in, and Donghyuk didn’t quite understand. He only wanted to improve himself so he can make their fans happy; show a better image to his members too. What went wrong?

It was a few days before Christmas when he’d snapped. There was a Black Label Jack Daniel’s hidden in their dorm, gifted by one of their close YG staff awhile ago. He knew Jaeho-manager’s personality enough to guess where the liquor was hidden, and his luck didn’t fail him.

The bottle was already opened, perhaps by Jinhwan or Junhwe (or both). Jaeho-manager wasn’t there, his other members were doing their own things and no one was paying attention to him at the very moment. He had a mug with him and filled it up with the alcohol right then and there.

He couldn’t finish it; was quite a while since he last drank. The next thing he knew, he’s vomiting in the bathroom. Not much later, he’s taken to the hospital.

All their managers scolded him. His mom scolded him. His members will probably scold him the moment he got back. He felt bad, ashamed, nervous at the same time. Relief only came when the Christmas Vlive he should have been a part of, has ended. His members said they missed him and their fans left hundreds of comments wishing for him to get well.

_“We just want you to be healthy.”_ they said. A huge burden had been lifted but a smaller one replaced it. That’s totally alright. It’s a needed burden to make sure he won’t worry his members and fans again.

Yet he felt a bit empty too, as if something inside him, that he couldn’t quite put on, remained unsettled. It felt like he’d lost something along the way.

\--

What barely saved him was a text message sent to him a little past midnight. It was eery seeing Junhwe’s name flash on his notifications, telling him that his chingu had sent him not a KKT message, but an actual sms.

_“Just want to make it clear that I do have your number.”_ the text message said. _“Saved it twice keke.”_

Also,

_“I meant what I said in the vlive. You’re 3/4s of our dumb group so do us a favor and go back to being our Kim Donghyuk.”_

Three-fourths… He was surprised when Junhwe said that during the Vlive. So his fellow 97-liner wasn’t exaggerating? It’s difficult to believe though. Also, _their_ Kim Donghyuk?

iKON’s Kim Donghyuk. His brothers’ Kim Donghyuk. Then asking him to “go back”... was Junhwe implying he wasn’t himself anymore?

A small irritation brewed inside Donghyuk. Who did Junhwe think he was, assuming things about him? They weren’t even truly close - a fact Donghyuk had always been bitter about underneath all the worries about his skills, his image and worth.

...But then, if he asked himself who “Kim Donghyuk” really is, would he be able to answer it confidently? A shiver ran down his spine.

His fingers slightly shaking, he typed in his reply.

_“‘Your’ Kim Donghyuk? Who’s that?”_

It didn’t take more than a minute before Junhwe responded. Somehow the speed of it made Donghyuk even more annoyed.

_“Someone who loves himself enough to know the most important things. His music, his dance, and his happiness.”_

Donghyuk didn’t reply after that.

It was so Junhwe-like to type out the words in a straightforward fashion, getting his point across clearly and without frills. Did Donghyuk feel offended? Quite. It didn’t really help to be told by someone who has everyone’s immediate love and attention even if he wasn't doing anything. Yet Junhwe’s words also made Donghyuk think hard about what he was doing. If his actions truly came from loving himself. If he still recognizes _Kim Donghyuk_.

He ended up sobbing under the hospital sheets when he finally got the answer. It was difficult to swallow but it’s alright because at the end of it, he found the will to face everyone - their fans and his precious members, more honestly. From there, he'll start once again.

\--

The day he was discharged, all the members were there waiting. They welcomed him back to the dorm with cheers, pulling him into a group hug and reiterating his value in their group and in their friendship. He was about to tear up but Bobby and Chanwoo told him it wasn’t allowed in a festive mood, so he laughed away the pending tears.

He was also promised a party for his birthday in a few days. It wasn’t a gesture Donghyuk was particularly expecting, but it was still a very nice way to start a new year.

“It’s your party but don’t expect to have even champagne. Managers’ orders.” Junhwe told him when they retired to their shared room. Hanbin was once again out for his night-shift of making music.

Donghyuk shrugged. “It’s okay. I don’t plan to drink, anyway.”

“ _Yet_. I bet you’ll try the hard ones as soon as you’re fully recovered.”

“Yeah, but with discretion.”

Junhwe snickered. Donghyuk watched him climbed up to the top bunker of their double-decker bed.

Meanwhile, a bulbasur plushie caught Donghyuk’s attention, sitting beside his fox pillow. He vaguely remembered it being a fan gift. Not for him, though. What was it doing in his bedspace?

A cough from the top bunk, and then,

“...ah, seriously why are there so many bulbasurs from fans. I need to let go of a few.” Another cough.

Donghyuk blinked at the awkward delivery of the words before staring at the plushie. Somehow he’s reminded of that early morning before a scheduled flight, when he gave Junhwe hotbars and a can of carbonated peach drink.

A peace offering.

He smiled, acknowledging the gift with a happy remark about how his fox plushie has a new friend now. There was another cough from Junhwe, and then nothing. Donghyuk chuckled softly at that. The new year’s already showing promise. He can definitely do better now.

\--

It was after a particularly intense day of dance practice, a week after they’ve been given Bling Bling choreography, when Donghyuk finally decided to try with Junhwe again.

“I’m thinking of getting some soju. Wanna come?”

Junhwe glanced at him from the TV, hopping off from the couch and patting his pockets to see if his wallet’s there. “Sure, but we’ll also get ddbeobotki. I’m not drinking without it.”

Donghyuk expected as much, pausing for a moment to gather words. “Okay, then how about lamb skewers and wine next time?”

It’s a bit embarrassing how he unconsciously held his breath while he waited for Junhwe’s answer. Because while he was getting nervous by himself, Junhwe just nodded at him in a carefree way - as if he didn’t catch the underlying meaning in Donghyuk’s question.

But Junhwe did because,

“I’m game. After that though, let’s go back to the basics with chicken and beer. You’re getting too infatuated with wine.”

Well, then.

“Sounds like a plan.” Donghyuk couldn’t help the grin splitting on his face. Junhwe smirked amusedly, teasing him for being too excited for more alcoholic adventures before going ahead towards the front door.

It’s not the liquor Donghyuk’s excited about, actually. But that shouldn’t really matter.

\--

Thinking back on it, it _should_ have mattered. Because if Donghyuk had contemplated more on it - on the reason why he didn’t care about whatever drink they were going to consume together because his focus was on the _person_ , and how it had been that way from then on, maybe Donghyuk would have prepared himself more; anticipated and adjusted accordingly, pull back before he stepped over the line.

But he didn’t so when he’d became aware, he was already on the other side of the line and not even remembering when and how he stepped over.

“...Are you and Bobby-hyung…?”

It’s quite amusing how it dawned on him. There weren’t fireworks of celebration or the slow motion sequences in dramas where the romantic soundtrack plays. The clock had just stroke 11:47 on a November night, almost 2 months before the release of a hit song that would redeem them in the eyes of their boss and their homeland. All Donghyuk had was the four walls of the messy dining area for the setting, Dean’s Instagram playing from his phone as the so-called soundtrack, and the noises of two young men chomping on shrimp chips as sound effects. The two glasses of Chivas Regal whisky drowned in ice served as accent.

He’d tilted his head at Junhwe’s vague question, to which he was given a shrug and the repeated inquiry. This time, much clearer.

“Are you and Bobby-hyung dating?”

Donghyuk could still afford to be entertained at that moment. He’d winced and laughed and blurted “I’m going crazy” about 3-5 times before sipping from his whiskey, shaking his head. He wondered out loud if he should admit it or not - just for the giggles, and Junhwe rolled his eyes at him. “Just answer!” Junhwe insisted with a childish pout and Donghyuk blurted, “No, of course not!” in between another laugh.

He would have teased Junhwe’s for being curious about his relationship with their rapper hyung, but a follow-up question was thrown.

“Then do you like someone right now?”

Yes, you.

It was so automatic, so smooth - the way his mind had pulled the answer for him. So unexpected, that it took awhile for it to dawn on him. The delay had given him enough time to say his intended answer.

“No.”

Junhwe was swirling the ice on his whisky but stopped when Donghyuk uttered the word. Then a slow nod and a big gulp of the liquid.

By that time, it was starting to sink into Donghyuk so in an act to further pull himself together, he’d thrown the question back. Which was a foolish move, Donghyuk had to admit.

“How about you? Anyone you like?”

A glance, a shrug, then, “No.”

Donghyuk nodded too then changed the focus to the other members of their group. Soon enough, he and Junhwe were giggling and making fun of their members’ recent silly antics; the nature of their previous topic already forgotten.

\--

Around 3 AM, when he couldn’t sleep even with the side effects of drinking, the whole conversation finally dawned on him in its full effect.

Yes - his mind had answered, crystal clear _._ It turned out he actually likes someone.

He turned to his right, eyes landing on the slightly worn bulbasur plushie by the wall. Sighing, he reached over to poke a finger on its nose part, a little above the character’s smile.

Junhwe’s smile.

Yes,

 _You_.

“Stupid.” He groaned and buried the plushie underneath his duvet, warmth coloring his cheeks.

And yet,

_“How about you? Anyone you like?”_

_“No.”_

Plastering both hands on his face, he ignored the forming tears in his eyes.

“Kim Donghyuk, you idiot.”

He allowed a soft laugh to escape his lips. Look at him realizing his feelings and finding out it’s unrequited at the same time.

**.**

**.**

**.**

  
  


(

Yet if Donghyuk had paid more attention, he would have seen a completely separate but critically important scenario.

He would have noticed the tensed muscles on Junhwe’s jaw when he threw the question about dating Bobby. He would have seen how the same tensed muscles relaxed, together with the stance of Junhwe’s shoulders, when he said no.

And perhaps, if Donghyuk’s mind hadn’t been distracted by the sudden realization of his feelings, he would have noticed too how Junhwe’s grip on his whiskey glass had tightened when he said the same “no” about liking someone. And the way that grip never lightened, almost breaking the glass, until they bid each other good night.

)

**.**

**.**

**.**

Junhwe supposes it was meant to be - how he and Donghyuk will never be in the same footing. They have some uncanny similarities but they’re still very different people. Being of same age didn’t make things easier and instead, even became a hindrance in some ways.

In _most_ ways, it’s all about their differences. At how Donghyuk is sunny and smiley and warmly open, while Junhwe is boisterous and all-smirks and cautious. Deeper than that, it’s all about the kind of person they are outside of their idol careers. It’s the kind of thought that always lingered inside Junhwe’s mind.

Ah, but Junhwe wasn’t fully aware of that at first. He was too busy practicing when he was 16; by 18, debut was all he thought about. At 21, his priority was to be seen as a man. Hence, the alcohol.

They say a man who can hold down his drink is dependable and mature, so he’d wanted to “train” his tolerance as best as he could. Soon enough though, he realized it really doesn’t matter. Hanbin sucked at it but still remained the core of their group. Junhwe became one of the best drinkers but it’s not like he matured proportionally. Thankfully, he ended up loving alcohol (with dubious moderation, he admits) and all the conversations and bonding he gets from drinking with another person. Jinhwan is his main drinking buddy, then the other members in random times.

Of course Donghyuk is no exception to it. He’s even no. 2 in Junhwe’s list, but it took quite a long time before they got to that point. The reason was the proverbial wall. The same wall that still exists even now when he and Donghyuk are sharing only one tall glass of Hite craft beer, and they’re limb-to-limb talking casually by the sturdy frame of their bunk bed.

Somehow the setting reminded him of that night, about a year ago, when Donghyuk came in with soju and wanting to comfort him about his clubbing scandal, but had ended up unintentionally strengthening the walls of his insecurities.

“I have a confession to make.” he blurts, sipping a bit from the glass and returning it on the floor. This is one of the reasons why he likes drinking. The boost of confidence and fearlessness is needed.

“I didn’t like you.”

Donghyuk snorts, abandons the bag of shrimp-flavored chips he’s been holding for a moment, and grabs the glass to sip too. “Yeah, I had a hunch.”

Junhwe nods curtly. “You were… I don’t know, your vibe, everything…”

“I was too different.”

Junhwe thinks for a second. Agreed, but it isn’t the exact answer.

“No, you were too perfect.”

He felt Donghyuk tense up, muttering “what” as he tilted his head. The disbelief was obvious on Donghyuk’s face. By now, Junhwe’s already fully aware that Donghyuk is far from perfect. But once upon a time, he really did see Donghyuk like that, both in a good and bad way.

He spilled it to Donghyuk: the admiration and the corresponding envy. Of how he was both in awe and bitter about dancing - his first love, because Donghyuk was so much better with it than he will ever be. Of how he saw in Donghyuk the qualities he wished he had. The qualities he _lacked_ outside of being an idol.

He’d put Donghyuk on a separate pedestal and looked from a distance, erecting a wall between them.

“You were like the walking embodiment of the things I lacked and it… sucked.”

“No wonder you didn’t want to talk or hang out with me often.” Donghyuk didn’t answer right away but once he did, he used that tone reserved for his Vnights, making Junhwe feel a bit special. “In my defense, I was also jealous of a lot of things you have that I don’t. Your voice and your confidence, for example. That’s besides other things.”

And that’s why. That’s why in the end, despite the differences and the proverbial wall, they were still able to sit side by side sharing not just a glass of beer but also their awkward truths. It’s… weird and didn’t seem logical but it made sense for Junhwe. For Donghyuk too, he’s sure. And Junhwe’s glad for it because he’d always longed for this kind of connection with Donghyuk.

“How about now, June?” Donghyuk wrapped his arms around his knees, grinning softly at him. His cheeks pinkish from the alcohol. “Do you still dislike me?”

No.

In fact, more than this already established connection, more than the drinking sessions and the confessional conversations, he--

“You’re tolerable now.”

“Pfft. Okay. The feeling’s mutual.” Donghyuk laughed at his sarcasm then lifted up the beer glass again, sipping a bit and handing it over to him. “Here’s to being tolerable friends.”

Junhwe snorts but still accepts the glass, gulping what’s left of the bitter liquid. “Yeah”, he agreed.

Ah, but not about their feelings being mutual. Because Junhwe had lied and Donghyuk has no idea, _no idea_ that for Junhwe, his feelings are much more than what he’d superficially implied.

And that is _why_ they’re still in separate sides. He and Donghyuk remained _different_.

\--

The process of developing “feelings” for Donghyuk is lost to Junhwe. He doesn’t know the exact steps of how it happened because when he’d become self-aware, he was already at the point of no return. But there were hints; little peeks here and there that pointed Junhwe toward that direction.

A hand gently clasped on his kneecap in comfort, for example. A can of alcoholic peach drink offered as peace offering. Even the spoken comforting words that felt patronizing to him were all factors.

There were other memorable moments, perhaps even much more of the fleeting ones that had slipped in between the depths of the greed for music and the cracks of his insecurities. All of which led to the moment of realization.

That revelation story wasn’t any more interesting.

“Wow, the song is daebak.”

“Makes you wanna cry with the leads, right?”

“Yeah, and look at that shot. It’s so good.”

Unlike this movie he’s watching with Donghyuk, wherein the theme song plays in the background and a dramatic shot is used to show the main guy realizing his love for the main girl, Junhwe’s realization happened in quite a chaotic setting. It was on the stage, during an encore among iKON’s screaming fans.

“Do you think it's like that for other people? Like they'd hear their favorite love song in their head and they'll feel like everything's in slow mo?”

Junhwe doesn't know about other people. But for him, it was more of a reflex action by his brain and when it dawned, all he had was cold sweat and his inner voice hitting the final nail with, “Shit, really?” It was the most boring eye-opener ever.

“Yeah, I don't know. Maybe.” He coughed a bit then took another sip of Jinhwan's experimental cocktail. It still tasted weird. “Or it could be like a snap. No fireworks and ballad OST.”

Like that moment when Junhwe caught sight of Donghyuk serenading their fans with Long Time No See during that encore stage. He’d looked, watched the way Donghyuk’s lips curved into a smile, at how his eyes twinkled under the arena lights, the adoring gaze he had towards their fans. And like the “snap” he mentioned, Junhwe had thought - with clarity and solemn acceptance,

“June-ya? You got quiet.”

Ah, I _like_ him.

Donghyuk blinks up at him, not knowing how the eye contact makes Junhwe swallow a lump in his throat in an attempt to control himself from leaning down to taste his lips. Junhwe frowns and sips from the cocktail glass again, grimacing a second after.

“You’re still trying to finish that up?”

He lets Donghyuk take the glass away and watched him gobble up the remaining contents as if to show he could do better. It didn’t end well with Donghyuk coughing and snatching his cider from the coffee table to ease up the taste. Junhwe allows himself to laugh.

“How are you going to upgrade to whiskey when you can't even handle Jinani's cocktails?”

“Says the one who grimaces at each sip.” Donghyuk sticks his tongue at him then drinks from his can of cider again. The movie transitions into another scene showing comedic banter between supporting characters. “Jinani-hyung will kill us if he saw our reactions.”

Junhwe shrugged. “He would, but he isn’t here and we won’t be telling a soul.”

“Yeah.” Donghyuk nudges their shoulders together, giggling softly. “It’ll be our little secret.”

Junhwe clenches a fist, resists the urge to tell Donghyuk to stop doing and saying things that made him more endearing.

He should have said it though, or at least hinted on it because Donghyuk didn't stop being endearing with his words and actions. It would be months before Donghyuk became fully capable to drink whiskey and by that time Junhwe would already be desperate to keep himself in check.

Yet hoping for that reality check, he would make the mistake of asking about Bobby. The results of that seemingly nonchalant conversation should have given him resignation, but instead had crushed his spirits while mockingly emphasizing that his feelings still have no plans of pulling a stop.

\--

If Junhwe’s main drinking buddy is Jinhwan, for Donghyuk it’s Bobby.

It was a natural turn of events. Donghyuk and Bobby always had a special connection that extends beyond just being close friends and team members and when they turned adults, Bobby was quick to patiently guide Donghyuk into Korea’s drinking culture. Jinhwan took over that role from time to time, but that’s beside the point.

Junhwe often thought about it - the true nature of his same-aged friend’s relationship with Kim Jiwon. Once upon a time, he'd just fleetingly wonder about it, like a casual thought that disappears as soon as his attention is shifted elsewhere. It evolved when he developed feelings for Donghyuk, thus the sleepless nights of exhaustive pondering as Donghyuk and Bobby's laughter softly echoes throughout the dorm.

Suffice to say, Junhwe ended up convincing himself Donghyuk only sees Bobby, will only _see_ Bobby, and no one else.

That's why it's quite a shock for him when Donghyuk started going to him more often than to the rapper, when drinking is involved. It's easy to label it as just a friendly gesture, but Junhwe's feelings enable him to see more and twist it to a perception he desires. For example, thinking the reason why Donghyuk spills deep stuff only to him, the reason he smiles and laughs and relaxes a little more when they're together, the reason why Donghyuk looks at him like _that_ , with or without alcohol, is because Junhwe is special.

Junhwe finds himself hoping, and that shouldn't happen. He's comfortable with what he has with Donghyuk, of the nights drinking together and of the days they play around and work in ease of each other's presence. Never mind that he wants to press his lips onto Donghyuk's, and touch him much more than the pats on the back and shoulder squeezes.

So what did he do? On a night of their usual drinking session, he asked about the real score between Donghyuk and Bobby for that needed reality check. Donghyuk dashed that out however and to Junhwe's panic, he ended up being so stupidly relieved.

And with that same stupidity, he asked if Donghyuk liked someone. The “no” should have been enough of a pull back down, but instead became a fuel for his controlled frustrations.

Because “no” means Junhwe isn't special, isn't _liked_ by Kim Donghyuk, and Junhwe despaired over it. He underestimated the magnitude of his feelings.

“How do you get over an unrequited love?”

“...is that a hypothetical question, or…?”

“Does it matter?”

Of course it does, Bobby said. The context would apparently help him decide whether to give the idealistic answer or not. Bobby pauses to open another beer can, eyes flitting over him in curiosity due to his question. Frankly, Junhwe doesn't even know why the fuck he's asking such a thing from the original thorn in his unrequited love perils.

“You go see other people.” The rapper's tone is rather serious when he blurted the words. “Go far away and date.”

Perhaps the dread on his face is so obvious because Bobby followed it up with an alternative. Either way, Junhwe doesn't see himself acting on them.

“Or you can pursue. Try flipping the unrequited to be requited.”

Junhwe watches the rapper do two gulps of the beer. He glances at his own can of the liquid, suddenly losing an interest to take even a sip. “What if you don't do either?”

“Then nothing happens. Both of you will go on with your life but the difference is you stay pining and the other person stays loving someone else.” There’s a small change in Bobby’s voice, his tone becoming mildly cautious. “But what do I know, really? It depends on your circumstances.”

The beer Junhwe ignored suddenly looked tempting. He takes a sip, then another, then decides he needs one more can.

“It's hypothetical.”

“...Sure.”

Bobby may or may not have seen through his bluff, but he appreciates how the rapper slides into a different topic. An attempt to lighten up his mood.

Junhwe doesn't quite appreciate the topic of choice though.

“...and Donghyuk screeches, man. Like a legit high-pitch screech. Chanu and I were rolling on the floor but because Donggu's biased towards the maknae, I ended up getting the smack and kick. That brat. He's lucky I love him.”

Bobby laughs and chokes on his beer, cackling at himself right after. Junhwe spares him a small grin - just for the attempt to cheer him up.

Ah, but dammit. He wishes he can easily say he loves Donghyuk too.

\--

Pining is manageable, Junhwe decides. It's not like he hurts Donghyuk and the other members, and it's not like he's at his wits end trying to control himself whenever Donghyuk says or does something that tugs his heartstrings even more.

Like Donghyuk's tight backhugs. Donghyuk's been doing that a lot more to him lately and fuck, it's _difficult_. But Junhwe's good at masking his internal swooning when Donghyuk does it in their dorm, and it's even better when there are fans around to keep himself in check, so there's that.

… Yeah, he really isn't at his wits end.

His poems are his savior. The perfect outlet for his feelings. He has a separate notebook reserved for _those_ poems, kept in a drawer and not shown to anyone else. It's filled now and he's already at poem #4 in his 2nd one.

Poem #5 & 6, maybe even 7, 8 and 9 will soon be in it too, because his muse decides to invade his creative space. A bottle of Gilbey’s gin and two empty glasses are raised to him as Donghyuk entered his room, a grin split on his face. It’s about 10 minutes after midnight - way past Donghyuk's usual drinking hours in the dorm.

“I'm feeling some gin right now and I need you to drink with me.” Donghyuk says, giggling to himself as he carefully closes the door with his foot.

Frankly, Junhwe’s not in the mood for drinking but it’s not like he’d rather send Donghyuk away, no. Not when these drinking sessions started becoming more and more spaced out. Junhwe sighs and closes his notebook - actions that seemed to take Donghyuk aback because he stops from going to his bed and the grin instantly drops.

“Oh. Were you writing? I'm sorry, I should have asked first.”

“No, it's fine.” Junhwe kind of hated how fast he blurted that out. “I'm running into a writer's block anyway.”

“Then you need a break.” Donghyuk's grin is back on his face again and Junhwe _kind of_ hated too how he just grins back automatically.

Between the two of them, Junhwe has the better tolerance by far and Donghyuk is fully aware of it. Yet for an unknown reason, Donghyuk has no qualms filling up his glass with gin - an alcoholic drink Donghyuk isn’t even fond of, and consuming it as if it’s just plain water. Junhwe just let Donghyuk be for the first glass, thinking that maybe Donghyuk is feeling particularly brave tonight. He starts worrying when Donghyuk is giggling and swaying and can barely hold his 4th fill in his hand.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Junhwe grabs Donghyuk’s hand and carefully takes the glass out of Donghyuk’s grip. His same-aged friend pouts deeply but didn’t make a move to retrieve his drink.

“Seriously, what’s with you? You’re usually not like this when we drink. We barely even talked.”

Donghyuk sways again so he pulls himself more onto his bed, leaning his back on the wall. “What’s wrong with just drinking?”

Nothing. But, “Why are you even here Donghyuk?” Junhwe makes sure his tone is softer. “You can just drink in your room if you don’t want to talk. You’ll be more comfortable there.”

“...Are you saying I can’t be comfortable with you?”

Junhwe blinks, a small frown appearing on his face. Where did that even come from? “No, it’s not like that. We always talk when we drink so I’m just wondering…”

Donghyuk pouts again, his clouded eyes narrowing and making the air quite tensed. He says he just misses being roommates with him, of the times when he sees Junhwe in the upper bunk whenever he goes inside their room. A part of Junhwe quickly notes that Donghyuk only mentioned him and not their other former roommate - Hanbin, but he quickly dashes it away. It’s not the right time for such thoughts. Besides, he’s increasingly becoming worried about Donghyuk’s weird behavior.

“Why? Are you lonely?” he adds a playful sneer, to hide his growing nervousness about the situation and to make it obvious that he’s trying to lighten up the mood. Drunk or not, Donghyuk always retorts as a joke.

And yet,

“Yes, I’m lonely. I’m lonely more than ever especially when I'm with you. But it’s funny because here I am clinging to you like this despite it.”

Junhwe freezes in shock.

Everything blanked out for him. He isn’t even sure he’s properly processing what he sees and hears around. He only got out of his trance when he heard a thump when Donghyuk collapses on his sheets.

A surge of worry caused Junhwe to stand up from his desk chair and launch himself on his bed to check if Donghyuk is alright. He releases a breath when he sees Donghyuk just fell asleep out of drunkenness, which means he shouldn’t take Donghyuk’s words seriously.

But _fuck_. He can’t just dismiss those words. Not when Donghyuk spoke them with unnerving clarity and an obvious bitterness. Junhwe can’t help but be anxious. Did he do something wrong? Said something offensive or misleading for Donghyuk to feel lonely with him?

...But why with _him_? Is Donghyuk's loneliness the same with Junhwe's?

Because he feels lonely with Donghyuk too. Cold and empty with his longing of something Donghyuk can only give. And yet Junhwe stays on his spot because he’s a coward and he doesn’t want to lose what he already has.

Gritting his teeth, Junhwe stands up from his bed, staring down at Donghyuk accusingly; silently pleading for an explanation. He knows he won’t get it though. Not only because Donghyuk is asleep, but because Junhwe won’t even ask.

\--

_My loneliness comes from being with you_

_because you don't know that I want you,_

_and I can't even let you know just how much._

_Yet I'd rather be here, feeling lonely with you_

_than be lonely without you at all._

Secret Poem # 5 comes so easily, it makes Junhwe feel a bit annoyed. It sucks, lacks any imagery and too realistic. Too spot on and _hopeful_ , he isn’t sure if he wants to keep it.

But one look at Donghyuk sleeping soundly on his bed makes Junhwe reel. Makes his heart feel warm and content amidst the cold ache and longing, and he decided to keep the poem - just for the memory of having Donghyuk this close. Finishing off what's left of the gin, he turns over #5’s page for a new one, like how he always covers his feelings whenever they’re unintentionally (and intentionally) brought up.

Give in. Pull back. Move on the next day.

Repeat.

\--

Yet Junhwe can only hang on so far.

He heard the news from Yunhyeong and Hanbin, and it took awhile for the information to sink it. When it did, he knew he can't go on doing nothing any longer. He foolishly thought he’ll be okay even after reaching a breaking point.

_“I knew Minyoung has always liked Donghyuk. I didn't expect him to agree to go out with her, though.”_

_“Why not? Noona's kind and pretty. If things work out they'll be inseparable.”_

_“A Crazy dancer with our main dancer. Sounds like a match, right June?”_

It does. It does sound like a match made in heaven.

“June, you okay there?”

Junhwe laughs and raises his bottle of whiskey as a toast to his hyung. He tips it to his lips, ignoring Jinhwan's yelp of protest as he drinks up the bitter liquid as much as he can take. The hyung is fast to take the bottle away after that, getting their glasses on the kitchen sink as a blatant sign that he's going to call it a night for the two of them.

“Go back to your room and sleep.” He sways a bit as Jinhwan carefully pushes him towards his door. “I don't know what's gotten into you but it's better to sleep that out. Not drink.”

Junhwe obliges, not having any desire to argue. His head pounds and the bitter aftertaste of whiskey settles even more on his tongue. He hates how it's no longer effective to make him feel numb, but it does remind him of _that_ talk with Bobby. He was given three “hypothetical” options.

Looks like the time to make another choice has come.

\--

She's… cute. Long black hair styled in simple waves, light makeup with a focus on her eyes. Her outfit consists of pastels and soft lace - an ensemble put together to show a pure, feminine image.

His sister does the introduction, saying how her hoobae plays the violin well and such. Junhwe only listens half-heartedly; he can already tell he and the girl has little to nothing in common. But she seems nice; smiles back shyly when he smiles at her, listens well when he talks, and gives him most of her attention.

Most of all, she doesn't dance like fire, doesn't sing like an angel, and doesn't laugh like the sun shines merely for her.

He invites her to drink with him in a very private restaurant when his noona finally left them. She says she'll drink whatever he recommends, so he orders up one of his favorite white wines - a Riesling. Cheap but perfect for pleasant conversations.

Yet as pleasant as their talk is, the wine somehow tasted bland, as if it's a completely different grade. Not as tasteful and satisfying as when he's drinking it with--

“Junhwe-ssi?”

It takes him a moment more to completely release a growing tension in his shoulders.

“Sorry, just got a shot of tiredness right there.” He gives an apologetic smile to his companion, and the girl immediately assures that it's alright. She asks if they should end the date early and just meet up again.

“No, it's such a waste don't you think?”

The girl studies him, blushes, then nods shyly as she admits she doesn't want the night to end yet.

“Me too.” he says as he holds his wine glass towards her for a toast.

She timidly responds then smiles widely after. They sip the light golden drink and it still taste bland, but Junhwe thinks he can get used to it.

He'll just have to reorient himself.

\--

“So, what’s her name?”

Junhwe thought he’d be hurt with the question, but surprisingly, he felt nothing.

“Park Yena.”

Donghyuk grins and goes to the fridge to get himself a can of Chilsung cider. “She’s younger?”

“Nah, we’re the same age. A hoobae from sis’ university.”

“Ah. A fan of yours, I bet.”

The comment made Junhwe smile a little. “She’s a Kim Hanbin fan, actually. But she said I’m next in her list.”

Donghyuk laughs softly and settles beside him, both of them leaning back on the kitchen countertop with the cupboards and messy dining table as their view. Silence reigns in comfortably as they sip their cider without noise, but Junhwe notices how their fingers are almost touching on the marble countertop.

“How are you and Minyoung-noona?”

Another grin splits on Donghyuk’s face, ear-to-ear. He quickly goes into a story of one of their dates - a dance practice where they got to make a short routine to a Tory Lanez song. Donghyuk has been fond of Tory Lanez for awhile now and Junhwe remembers jamming with Donghyuk on one of the artist's less rap-focused songs.

A shot of hurt runs through him. Junhwe doesn't know why he's doing this to himself.

“I hope you won't feel lonely anymore.”

“Yeah.” Donghyuk smiles at him before sipping again. “Thanks. You too.”

That's what Junhwe desperately hoped would happen.

\--

It won't happen, it seems.

His girlfriend’s finally going to visit the dorm after weeks of finding the right time. Jinhwan and Bobby both agreed to sleep over at the upper floor for the night, while Donghyuk is out to who-knows-where.

Jaeho-manager listed to him the things he could and shouldn’t do before leaving him alone. He has about two and a half hours before he picks up Yena from the team’s trusted cafe, and it should be enough to do last minute preparations. He went over the movies he planned to play and scanned the flyers of delivery food pinned at their fridge. It was only when he saw Jinhwan’s nearly empty red wine bottle that he remembered Yena wasn’t really fond of full-bodied wine, and any hard alcohol drinks. Cider is an available option, but that won’t really set a good mood. There should be a better choice somewhere.

So Junhwe wandered around the kitchen, half-thinking and half-looking through cabinets to see if there’s a hidden bottle of light wine somewhere. Eventually, he went looking into his storage boxes, and ended up uncovering a forgotten yet perhaps the biggest symbol of his feelings for Donghyuk.

Still inside the thick, white carton bag with the logo of the store emblazoned, hidden under the old jackets and shirts stacked inside one of his two storage boxes, the sparkling rosé wine looked the same as it was the day he bought it in hopes of drinking it with Donghyuk about two years ago.

It's been more than 4 months since Junhwe started dating. He's doing fine; he and Yena have a really nice vibe going between them that's making him feel confident about their new relationship. Yet just one look. One fucking look on the damn wine, and she's out of his head. Everything comes crashing back to Junhwe. From the night before WIN finale to this very day, suddenly things became clearer.

And he's not alright. Instead of bringing the wine out for his girlfriend, he wants to offer it to Donghyuk - tell him that the wine was for him and him only. Like his heart.

It _shouldn’t_ be that way.

Junhwe storms out of his room with the bottle in hand, uneven breathing and hurried footsteps towards the floor's garbage compartment. He raises the bottle to throw it into one of the bins and he almost goes through it.

Almost, because he can't. It fucking pained him as if he's going to hurt Donghyuk himself.

And Donghyuk? Still fine and dandy with his perfect match of a girlfriend. Junhwe's tempted to hate Donghyuk, but the thought itself makes Junhwe hate himself.

“Fuck.” he lets himself laugh; anger, guilt and resignation mixing in. “I see. No choice, huh?”

He’s _doomed._

**.**

**.**

**.**

  
  


(

Not really doomed, if only he’d let himself _look_ at Donghyuk more.

For example, that day when they stood side by side drinking cider.

The tight line in Donghyuk’s grins. His eyes not meeting Junhwe’s when he talked about his girlfriend. The mask Donghyuk had worn, cracking when Junhwe told him not to be lonely anymore. Donghyuk’s tight grip on his drink when Junhwe said Yena’s name.

And how Donghyuk reached for his hand when he turned away, pulling his hand back a moment after as a bitter face replaces his barely intact mask.

)

**.**

**.**

**.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a good 9 months before I finished this 2nd chapter so expect inconsistent writing. Sorry about that ^^;  
> Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy and please kudos/comment if you can!  
> All my love to you and most especially to my 7 precious boys!

The truth is, if it wasn't Junhwe, Donghyuk could have done something with his feelings.

He's not naive. He knows the risks of trying to shake up well-established dynamics. He knows the consequences of trying and failing, of what it can do to his relationship with the other members and Donghyuk doesn't want that to happen. On top of that, of all people, it’s Koo Junhwe.

Donghyuk once thought about it, long before all this falling in love business came about (or long before he realized he was already in it). Just to pass time during a sleepless night, he’d played around the idea of dating one of the members. Bobby was honestly the first one to come to his mind - practically the choice with the least consequences. He loves Bobby dearly; considers him a legitimate older brother, a confidante, a partner in crime. A soulmate. But that was just _that_. He would have been dating Bobby for ages now if they liked each other that way.

Yunhyeong was next, the person he felt most at ease with after Bobby, followed by the other members in no particular order. That is, except for Junhoe.That guy was an exception because despite the desire and efforts, Donghyuk felt like he can’t be truly close with him. It's as if there’s always a wall between them that refused to crumble so even in playful thought, Donghyuk couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea of being with Junhwe. Heck, Donghyuk couldn’t even properly invite him to drink for a long time. Kind of pathetic, to be honest.

Yet he ended up not only becoming drinking buddies with him, he also ended up feeling _much more_. And Junhwe is the riskiest - the one at the other side, maybe even way out of the spectrum.

So Donghyuk treated his feelings for Junhwe as a threat. In a sick perspective, finding out right away that it's unrequited is fortunate. All he needed to do was to work around that fact to move on.

He's aware it won't be easy but he didn't expect how difficult it would be.

Most of the time it’s quite manageable. It’s not like Junhwe’s treating him drastically different from the other members - from other people. All he had to do was to use his logic side more when it comes to Junhwe. Oh, Junhwe patted his back and let his hand rest on his waist? Well, Junhwe did it to Jinhwan too. Junhwe teases him affectionately? He does it much more with Yunhyeong. The late night drinking sessions of spilling concerns and happy episodes? Donghyuk’s aware he isn’t Junhwe’s no.1 for that.

He knew all of it, truly. So what gets to Donghyuk was the fact that no matter how much he denies, he always, _always_ ends up contradicting himself with “but.”

But Junhwe listens to him much more now compared to the other members. But Junhwe's touches, though rare, are always laden with careful tenderness. But Junhwe gives _that_ look only to him.

_But_ he wants Junhwe to look at him more. Touch him more. Talk to him more.

And it's scarily lonesome how these desires of his just keep on growing, deepening. Yet whenever he tries to keep himself away, he just feels emptier. Trapped - that's how Donghyuk is.

He can't even call out Junhwe's name, reach over to touch him even if he badly wanted to. Donghyuk struggles to be content with just being in Junhwe's presence like this, lying in Junhwe’s bed and secretly watching him write his beautiful words under the yellow light of the lamp. The bottle of gin Donghyuk brought in is already empty, yet Junhwe didn't seem to be drunk, unlike Donghyuk. Donghyuk isn't even sure if this is reality or if he was just imagining this.

The next day, Donghyuk was scolded for excessive drinking and promptly grounded by Jaeho-manager. Technically the amount Donghyuk consumed couldn’t be considered excessive when compared to other people, but given what happened during a certain Christmas season, Donghyuk can’t really defend himself.

It was already post-dinner time when he got to talk to Junhwe. His chingu was tired from a solo photoshoot, the call of his bed obvious on his face, yet with a single wave of Donghyuk’s hand, Junhwe forgoes rest to sit with him in the living room. It’s moments like this when Donghyuk’s “but”s appear in his head, and he’s bitter yet craving for them.

“So, how’s being grounded?” Junhwe asks as he takes Donghyuk’s bottle of cold barley tea on the coffee table to take a swig. There’s a small smirk playing on his lips due to the question and though it could be thought of as rude, Donghyuk already knew Junhwe well enough to see that it wasn’t the case.

“Kinda fun. Got to catch up on my dramas.” he pauses with an apologetic smile already directed to Junhwe. “Would have been more fun with a can or two of Cass, but last night happened.”

“Yeah. You’re forgiven.”

Donghyuk sneers. “I haven’t even apologized yet, but thanks.”

“And don’t repeat what you did last night. What if you have to go to the hospital again because you drank recklessly like that?”

He feels his heart clench, a lump forming on his throat. Relax, Donghyuk. Junhwe’s his friend. It’s normal to be worried for a friend. Normal for a scolding to sound affectionate underneath the rather harsh tone. Besides, he just said what Jaeho-manager didn’t earlier. Ignore the “but”.

“...S-Sorry.”

Junhwe doesn’t say anything, but passes the bottle of barley tea back to him as if it’s his silent gesture of a response - to tell him they’re good. Donghyuk unconsciously tenses when Junhwe stands up with a small nod, and it took Donghyuk another moment to blurt out the real reason why he waited for Junhwe.

“Hey, did I say anything weird last night?”

He did. At least, that’s what Donghyuk’s “dream” hazily showed.

“No.” A pregnant pause as Junhwe stopped in his tracks. “All you said was you’re lonely. Nothing weird about that.”

“Oh. That’s good then.”

Donghyuk chuckled softly in relief but cold sweat form at the base of his neck. Ha. Nothing weird? If only Junhwe knew.

He wasn’t sure why he lost a lot of his self-control at that point. Perhaps it was the fact that he almost exposed himself? Or the fact that Junhwe has no idea and it hurts? When Junhwe bids him goodnight and turns his back to him, Donghyuk stands up too and wraps his arms around the other’s waist, the bottle of barley tea dangling casually from his right hand. Donghyuk’s aware he moved as if he’s in panic, and that reflected on how awkward his hug was and how Junhwe stiffened and turned to stare at him with question in his eyes. Thank goodness Donghyuk’s brain still works for him to blurt out some sort of explanation.

“Thanks June-ya. I’m glad I have you.”

And an excuse.

Donghyuk’s no saint. How else would he be able to get as close to Junhwe as this? To tell him without exposing more? He’s taking advantage of his own affectionate nature and even dangerously pushes his self control further, _but_ it’s okay. It’s not a sin, right? It’s okay. Junhwe will just complain about his cheesiness anyway and squirm out of his hold.

Not this time.

Junhwe didn't say anything. He just nodded, placed his hands over his own then slowly peeled his grip off his waist. It’s the first time Junhwe didn’t complain, didn’t roll his eyes at him or gave him a frown. There was only the firm hold on his hands, careful yet determined to take them off from him, and the short gaze as Junhwe mumbles in monotone, “Good night”.

A shiver runs down Donghyuk’s back and not in a good way. Instantly, he’s taken back to that night years ago when he attempted to comfort Junhwe from his clubbing scandal. It was that same coldness. The same nonchalance. The knocked-down wall rising high once again.

Then it clicks, the hazy dream clearing up. He’d revealed more than being lonely, and _this_ is Junhwe’s response.

_“Yes, I’m lonely. I’m lonely more than ever especially when I'm with you. But it’s funny because here I am clinging to you like this despite it.”_

Donghyuk stood unmoving until the bottle of barley tea slips out from the grip and rolls on the floor. He flinches in a stupor, crouches down to take the bottle, then ends up staring at nothing as he bites his lip. It isn’t enough to stop the tears but at least no one’s there to see. Not Junhwe.

\--

The drinking sessions with Junhwe lessened even more. Junhwe's gone back to preferring Jinhwan's company, and Donghyuk messes with Bobby as usual. Sometimes he drinks with Chanwoo.

Also, he got a girlfriend now.

Minyoung is two years older, pretty and super fun. Donghyuk honestly didn't expect her to want to date him, given that he heard she preferred older men so it was actually a nice surprise when she asked him out.

And timely, too.

So he agreed. Minyoung is a great girl inside-out, has the same passion for dancing that he has, and knows the importance of love and family. It shouldn’t be too difficult to direct his heart towards her - to fall for her instead. He had a blast the first few weeks of being with her. They went on secret dates, made out when they could, talked about themselves a lot and learned a lot in return. His girlfriend is honestly a blessing.

But she is also sharp. Much sharper than Donghyuk suspected.

“You still like that other person, don’t you?”

Shame and guilt quickly mixed inside him, which Donghyuk shouldn’t even be feeling by now. His grip on his glass of whiskey tightened as he thought of a response. Reflex told him to ask her what she’s talking about - to feign ignorance and hope it makes her think twice about her question.

However, she didn’t give him a chance to lie. She said she knew from the start and still hoped he’d agree to date her anyway. Best way to move on is to date, she said, and she likes him much more than she expected - enough for her to try to win him over.

“I do like you noona.” Donghyuk pulls her closer, the warmth of their bodies transmitting to each other despite the layers of their clothes. It’s the truth; he wasn’t lying and certainly isn’t making an excuse. “Please wait for me a little longer.”

Certainly trying his best to ignore the inevitable, too. He can flip it over. He knows he could.

Minyoung raises her own glass to her lips, sipping and playfully sticking out her tongue in mock disgust.

“You know, I don’t actually like whiskey. I’m more of a beer and soju girl.” she sighs and leans her head against Donghyuk’s shoulder. “I didn’t peg you to be the kind of guy to like hard drinks too, but you’d pick them even if you don’t seem to like drinking hard so much.”

Donghyuk stiffens instantly. His girlfriend giggles in amusement.

“That person must’ve loved hard drinks. I’ll do my best to love whiskey too.”

There’s the guilt again. Donghyuk wants to curse at himself but he holds it in, knowing Minyoung would prefer assurance over lamentation. So he nods, leans over to kiss her like how she liked. She asked him if he can stay over her place tonight and he didn’t hesitate to say yes.

\--

It’s… gotten more difficult, to be honest. So difficult, especially when he found out Junhwe had started dating as well. It was a hoobae of Junhwe’s older sister, a girl who plays the violin and aims to be part of one of Korea’s leading orchestra. More than necessary, he subconsciously compares himself to the girl as if dissecting what it is that Junhwe saw in her, and it sickens him.

However, he didn’t expect to find himself so weak when he found out Junhwe had broken up with Yena.

Donghyuk was there when Junhwe broke the news. The upstairs guys were having dinner with them when Chanwoo innocently asked why Junhwe hadn't been meeting with Yena for quite awhile then. Yunhyeong joked about a break up and got stunned, along with everyone, when Junhwe confirmed it as so.

Junhwe's answer was simple when the hyungs asked why.

“We won't ever feel the same way.”

Straight to the point yet vague. Junhwe didn't give any indication that he'd want to elaborate and be comforted so everyone let it go. They were trying to be considerate.

But for Donghyuk, not doing anything just feels wrong. He needs to do something, anything, for Junhwe and that's the problem. An example of what's making this whole thing dangerous. Even if he denies all the way to the moon, the truth stands: his desire to offer companionship isn't out of pure concern. It's coming out of somewhere else and Donghyuk is terrified he'll give in. The fact that the main obstacle’s gone now just pushes him further.

He can compromise with himself though; try to steer things into a scenario where he can be satisfied with. That's where Jinhwan comes into play; the only one who can do what Donghyuk shouldn’t. If there's anyone Junhwe would willingly welcome into his walls, it's Jinhwan.

Jinhwan thinks otherwise and it shocks Donghyuk.

“How about _you_ do it?” Jinhwan points at him with the straw of his aloe juice pack. “Why do you have to ask me when you can do it yourself?”

Donghyuk already felt cornered by then, but he still thinks of an excuse.

“Because June prefers your company over mine, or any of us for that matter.” He adds a smile to convince, shifting his position on Jinhwan's bed so he faces the mat-hyung head on. Jinhwan just stares at him, unmoving from his desk chair as he puts the juice straw back in between his lips.

“Do you really think that?”

Donghyuk tells himself to maintain the smile as he nods. The mat-hyung still isn’t convinced.

“Look, it's not like I don't want to. But more than Junhwe's preference, I feel like you're just avoiding to do it yourself.”

Ouch. Donghyuk bites his lip.

“Just what is going on with you and June, Donghyuk-ah?”

He has a girlfriend but he's still in love with Koo Junhwe and it's taking most of him not to take advantage of the situation. That's what's happening.

But of course,

“Nothing's going on.” He shrugs and tries his best to appear sympathetic instead of guilty. “I understand if you feel that way hyung, since June and I haven't been hanging out lately, but we're fine. I just really want to comfort him but I don't trust myself to do a good job.”

It is the truth. For the most part.

Jinhwan regards his answer, looking at him unfalteringly while sipping his juice pack on small intervals. Donghyuk matches his gaze, not looking away because the moment he does, he would have exposed himself. And yet Jinhwan stands his ground.

“You're underselling yourself Donghyuk-ah. Your share in that guy's heart is much bigger than you think.”

Donghyuk resists the urge to curse. He doesn't need to hear such assessments that will only further weaken his resolve.

“So if you want to comfort Junhwe, please do so yourself. _I_ trust you to do a good job.”

Jinhwan gives him an assuring smile but to Donghyuk it appears as cruel.

However, it turns out he didn't even have to do anything because Bobby beats him to it.

Donghyuk is honestly shocked about it. A lot of questions flew into his head when he saw the two talking over beer cans and spicy rice cakes in the kitchen. The air around them is melancholic yet light, and even though Bobby tells him to join them as he passes by and Junhwe nods, Donghyuk declines with a smile and an excuse of wanting to sleep.

Even if he doesn’t ask, he knows the two are discussing about Junhwe’s breakup. That’s good, right? It’s practically what he wanted Jinhwan to do except a different hyung stepped up to the role without Donghyuk’s prompting. Maybe by tomorrow, Junhwe will be in a much better mood and that’s all Donghyuk wants.

Yet the “but”s appear in his head again. But Junhwe shouldn’t be close enough to Bobby to talk over serious topics while drinking. But Jinhwan should be the one Junhwe leans on. _But_ what if Bobby overtakes Donghyuk’s place, however small or big it is, in Junhwe’s heart--

Ah, how distasteful.

He’s getting ridiculous and that makes him angry at himself. Steeling himself, Donghyuk does an about-face in his room and marches out towards the kitchen, as if to prove to himself that he isn’t as affected as he fears. Bobby and Junhwe’s hushed voices echoes softly through the hall and somehow that just drives him even more.

“Oh? Changed your mind?”

The rapper has this knowing smile on his face when Donghyuk stood in front of the table. For a moment he wonders if Bobby is like Jinhwan - seemingly able to look past what Donghyuk could. Perhaps that is the reason why Junhwe’s talking with Bobby and not him.

“There’s no beer left though.” Bobby drops the smile and glances at the empty Cass cans on the table. “How about I sign off now and you guys shift to the more exciting drinks?”

He and Junhwe open their mouths to say something but the hyung quickly dismisses them with an obviously fake yawn and a wave of his hand, bidding them goodnight.

...Ha. Donghyuk won’t be surprised if Bobby and Jinhwan are actually conspiring. _Operation: Get the 97s close again_ \- something like that.

Now that he’s left alone with Junhwe, Donghyuk’s starting to have second thoughts. He didn't think this through like he should have done. What will he say to him?

“I'm holding up fine, if that's what you want to know.” Junhwe beats through the awkward silence, instantly answering the big question in Donghyuk's head. Donghyuk nods, secretly relieved he didn’t have to be the one to break the ice.

“That's good.” He takes Bobby's former seat. Then, before he can stop his mouth,

“What did you and Bobby-hyung talk about?”

Donghyuk wants to punch himself. He has to get a hold of himself asap if he doesn't want more of his conflicted feelings leaking out of his mask. But Junhwe doesn't seem to mind because he answered.

“An extended consultation. I asked him for some advice before and he gave me two choices. Three actually, but one's a no-go.” Junhwe smirks in self deprecation then sips from his Cass. “The other two didn't work out so I asked him if he has another option for me.”

Curiosity is fast to grow in Donghyuk's head. Did Junhwe actually ask their main rapper for relationship advice for his ex? That's the only thing he can think of.

“Did he give you one?”

“No. He said I haven't even tried the third option yet.”

There's a tinge of bitterness in Junhwe's voice, preventing Donghyuk to say anything impulsively. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts by playing with an empty can, spinning it lightly on the smooth surface of the table's laminated wood.

He has no idea what Junhwe's referring to exactly, but more than staying silent and letting Junhwe vent, there's the temptation to talk. To try to help with his words because unlike a similar situation a long time ago, Junhwe responded. He’d willingly opened the door, albeit it’s just a gap.

“What’s stopping you from trying?”

“Me.”

In a sick way, Donghyuk relates so much.

He swallows a lump in his throat, going through his words in his head before he lets them out verbally. There's a lot of selfish thoughts cutting in, such as a warning that he might be unknowingly pushing Junhwe back to his ex, and entertaining such warning is the very last thing Donghyuk should accommodate. He needs those thoughts far and away at this time. Focus, he scolds himself.

Wash out everything. Steer his resolve the other way. At the very core of Donghyuk’s feelings for Junhwe, what is the most important?

“If the result of that choice is what you really want and will make you happy, I think you should try. Or else you'll end up thinking about what-ifs for a long time.”

It's uplifting how Donghyuk knows for himself he's sincere this time. None of the “but”s. None of the fear to give in. Never mind that he isn't really practicing what he preached. Meanwhile, Junhwe visibly tenses up, as if he didn't expect Donghyuk to give that kind of advice.

Junhwe sets aside his beer can, voice unsure. “Even if it's already doomed?”

“How sure are you about that?” Donghyuk offers a kind smile. “There's nothing wrong with fighting for your happiness. What if you can actually flip the odds to your favor? Giving up before even trying is unlike you, Koo Junhwe.”

Junhwe scoffs at him. He can sense the other wants to retort, defend himself and justify why he didn't try in the first place. But the silence stretches and Junhwe just exhales his tension out.

“Bobby-hyung said the same thing. ‘Try first before giving up, man’ he said.” Junhwe shakes his head, snickering softly. “Are you sure the two of you aren't secret brothers, or something?”

Donghyuk acknowledges the attempt to lift up their mood with a wider smile. “Secret cousins is more possible. Not a first cousin though. I don't need the extra bullying.”

He grins and spins the can again, waiting for Junhwe to say something. When the other remains silent, Donghyuk understood. He stops the can's spin and stands up from his seat, taking a deep breath.

“Well, then. Don't stay up too late.”

“Donghyuk.”

He glances down at the hem of his sweater sleeve, where Junhwe’s finger’s curled to stop him from leaving.

“Y-Yeah?”

“Thursday night. You free?” Junhwe meets his gaze, a light smile replacing the previous flat line. “I feel like going for wine or champagne; take a break from the hard stuff.”

Oh. Donghyuk feels his gut warm up, his heart bursting with little fireworks. His brain reminds him of how he'll just make things more difficult for himself, but he's too happy at the moment to care.

“Sure! I have a new red one I'd like you to try!”

\--

The drinking sessions with Junhwe resumed. Then as if to compensate, he tries to spend more time with Minyoung.

Donghyuk thinks he can find an even ground in that arrangement. As he goes on more dates with his girlfriend, get to know her more and let her go deeper into his heart, the contradictions in his head in regards to Junhwe had also lessened. As he washes himself off his selfish thoughts, the less difficult it is for him to see Junhwe as just a friend.

It was almost a handful of months like that. And then, a stop.

“It’s now or never. I’ll never get this chance again if I let this go.”

His girlfriend is offered a slot to a well-known dance group in Los Angeles. It’s her dream, the ultimate goal she set for herself while working as a YG Dancer, and Donghyuk understands.

He also understands when she says the inevitable.

“This is goodbye to us too.” she says, her eyes full of tears. And yet the smile she’s giving him is that of relief.

She didn’t let him explain; says there’s no need to. Donghyuk stands in front of her, silent, as he thinks of anything else to say. I’m sorry? Thank you? Anything that he should and could say doesn’t feel enough.

And as if she can read his thoughts, she offered a hug instead. Donghyuk embraced her tightly, finally managing to let out the words he wants to say the most.

“I’m sorry.”

She sighs, tells him she’s sorry too, then jokes about jamming to iKON’s Breakup Trilogy on her flight. Donghyuk can’t find it in himself to laugh along. She leans up to kiss him one last time, he kisses her back and whispers well-wishes, and then she’s gone.

The news of Minyoung leaving for the U.S. spread among YG staff the next day. By afternoon, his members are suddenly gathering at the lower dorm, declaring they'll have jokbal and chicken for dinner. Hanbin's even there despite his self-imposed night shift schedule. No one divulged the purpose for the sudden group dinner, but Donghyuk knows everyone took the hint about the break up and wishes to comfort him without prying too much. He's not one to keep such things to himself though, especially if he's with his members so he still talked, sharing everything except the part where he's been in love with someone else all the while. His members only listened and didn't try to admonish him or smother him with comforting words, much to his gratefulness.

And yet that didn’t stop the restless feeling sinking inside him; keeping him awake.

Three nights in, and he still can't properly sleep. His breathing became more and more erratic, heartbeat drumming all the way to his ears. He holds his bulbasaur plushie for dear life as he psyches himself to calm down. It usually works but not this time.

On the fifth night, he gets out of his room. Still holding his plushie, he goes straight to the kitchen to make himself a cup of warm tea. Drinking it helped, but not enough. Now he's tempted to chug down a bottle of wine. Jinhwan left two bottles just an arm's reach from him, so he grabbed the red one and transferred to the living room.

But there’s the sound of a door being pushed ajar and Junhwe is suddenly there, appearing as if he sensed what Donghyuk's about to do.

“No.”Junhwe marches towards him and practically grabs the bottle back.“You already finished one yesterday.”

“I don't need scolding from someone who drinks whiskey as if it's water.”

“At least I don't pretend I'm alright.”

Donghyuk glares up at him from the sofa. Junhwe rolls his eyes at him, pointing at bulbasur with his chin as if to say the plushie makes his glare less effective. Laughter from the midnight variety show replay lessens any remaining tension too.

He wants to tell Junhwe to fuck off; to yell at him to leave him alone because he's the last person Donghyuk needs to talk with right now. And yet he felt hurt when Junhwe leaves before he can utter a word, not paying him even a passing glance.

Then Junhwe emerges again, this time with a drink bottle in hand.

Curiosity takes over Donghyuk for the moment. He watches his fellow vocalist take a quick detour to the kitchen, fetching two mugs before making his way towards him. Donghyuk shifts a bit as the space beside him dips.

“Here.” Junhwe places the mugs and the bottle on the coffee table. “This is much lighter than your reds and whites.”

Donghyuk takes a moment to read the labels of the bottle. There's hiragana characters and calligraphic illustrations of flowers. Sparkling rosé.

He asks Junhwe when he bought it but the other just shrugged his question off. The conversation instantly falls dead at that yet Donghyuk doesn't mind. He watches Junhwe twist the cap and pour the liquid, distracting himself from a faraway memory of a claim by Jinhwan about their main vocal saving a bottle of sparkling wine to drink with Donghyuk.

… Just a coincidence, he's sure.

Junhwe doesn't say anything as he offers a mug to Donghyuk. Donghyuk stays quiet too. They drink without a word and watch the replay without actually paying attention. The sparkling rosé is sweet. And bland. He can’t appreciate it now that he’s already used to strong alcohol.

Donghyuk's share is halfway empty when he starts tearing up.

He can't exactly explain it. Was it the nostalgic taste he got from the drink? Of how the sweetness, the blandness - or rather, the lightness of it, reminded him of the days when it was simpler? When he was still _pure_ and all he wanted was to get used to drinking alcohol so he can be close to Junhwe?

His tears turn to sobbing, and the sobbing turns to hiccups and self deprecating sniggers. Junhwe still doesn't say anything and just silently refills Donghyuk's mug. It bothered Donghyuk.

“W-Why are you so quiet? Are you really Koo Junhwe?”

“Koo Junhwe can be quiet too.”

Donghyuk shakes his head and sips from his mug again. “Are you pitying me?”

“No. I'm trying to comfort a friend.”

… A friend. He bites his lip in an attempt to prevent more tears from falling, but he fails. Junhwe sighs and begins to finally talk.

In between his sobbing, Donghyuk vaguely listens to what Junhwe’s saying, of how everyone’s been cautiously worried about him and how Junhwe’s concerned Donghyuk hadn’t been crying. Apparently, Donghyuk’s been looking like he’s about to fade away the last couple of days so Junhwe’s glad Donghyuk’s able to cry now, to let out some of the feelings he stubbornly keeps locked within him.

The reasoning just pushed Donghyuk to sob even more but after that, it’s peace. Both in a literal and metaphorical sense. He nurses his mug of sparkling rosé on top of bulbasur’s plushie head, his vision somehow becoming clearer despite the leftover tears in his eyes. Without realizing, he rests his head on Junhwe’s shoulder, only becoming aware of it when Junhwe gently presses his head on his too.

This intimacy. This rare moment that's tempestuous and calming at the same time. Donghyuk's _tired_.

“I used her. I convinced myself I wasn't doing that but I actually did.” His grip on his mug tightens. “That's the truth.”

“...oh.” Junhwe stiffens, lifts his head from Donghyuk’s and sips his drink slowly, thinking. “That’s different from what you told us.”

“I’m sorry for lying.”

Junhwe shrugs. “Care to elaborate?”

_I’m in love with you._

“I'm in love with someone else.”

“Ah. Aigoo.” Junhwe nods to affirm, says the next words as a sure statement rather than a speculation.

“You tried to move on from that 'someone else’ by dating but you failed.”

Donghyuk feels relieved enough now to agree.

“Yes.”

“Me too.”

Donghyuk takes a moment to let that new info sink in, relating it to June's talk of his “three choices” some nights ago. Now it makes sense. He laughs softly. “We're idiots.”

“And cowards.” Junhwe adds with a snicker and a quick sip from his mug.

“Idiotic cowards.”

“How sickening.”

“Truly.” Donghyuk laughs again, this time louder and far from self-deprecation. He sighs as he curls himself closer to Junhwe’s side, smiling when the other male didn't push him away.

Sickening, indeed. At how he felt he belonged here, at home, right beside Junhwe, and he chose to stay away thinking it's _better_.

“That third choice that Bobby-hyung gave you.” Donghyuk tightens his grip around his mug. “June, can you tell me what it was?”

Junhwe tenses ever so slightly beside him.

“Exactly what you advised me.”

_“If the result of that choice is what you really want and will make you happy, I think you should try. Or else you'll end up thinking about what-ifs for a long time.”_

_“...Try first before giving up…”_

Try.

“And you’re right.” Junhwe cuts in his thoughts. He blinks and realizes Junhwe is already facing him from his side. “You and Bobby-hyung are right.”

Junhwe leans forward and Donghyuk hitches a breath, finding himself unable to break Junhwe’s locked gaze on his eyes. Instantly, Donghyuk is compelled to give the other his utmost attention.

“I’ll be doing that now, Donghyuk." Junhwe continues, clinking their mugs together in a toast. "I’ll _try_."

It’s a vow. Or a warning. Maybe both. Plus something else. It’s only when Junhwe nods in emphasis that Donghyuk got it.

Coercion.

“So I should try too, right?” he smiles softly, appreciating the encouragement. “No matter the result?”

Junhwe smiles back, lifts a hand to brush some strands of Donghyuk’s hair that fell to his eyes. “No matter the result. Deal?”

Try to make Koo Junhwe look at him. Try to make Koo Junhwe’s heart pound for him. Try to _love_. Truly and properly love. Even if it might hurt tremendously; might shatter what they already have beyond repair.

Screw the remaining “but”s in his mind and heart that are born out of lingering fear instead of his desires.

“Deal.”

\--

And Donghyuk starts right away.

“June.”

“Hmm?”

“That ‘someone else’ that I love…” his hands cradling his mug starts trembling. "It's you."

Junhwe stiffens heavily beside him. Taking one breath, Donghyuk shifts his body so he’s fully facing the other back, lifting one shaking hand to caress Junhwe’s cheek. And then, tenderly, reverently, he leans up to give his secret love a kiss. He can't help but smile at the taste of the sweet rosé on Junhwe’s mouth.

“It’s always been you, Koo Junhwe. Will you let me love you?”

\--

Too fast, others might say if they knew what’s happening. But Donghyuk is tired of analysing and second-guessing, _and_ contradicting.

“Donghyuk. _Donghyuk_.”

“I’m here.”

Junhwe had given his answer through the enrapturing fire exposed in his eyes after their first kiss. It was in the way Junhwe carefully cupped his face - hands also trembling, fiery eyes locked but searching as if afraid Donghyuk will take the confession back. It was in the way Junhwe muffled a cry in his throat when he was given a reassuring smile, kissing Donghyuk with a grunt of desperation and rejoice.

From then on, Donghyuk let his heart take control. Allows Junhwe to do the same.

Junhwe is endearingly attentive as he enters him, fingers caressing his face and lips ready to comfort him with brief yet loving kisses. He lets Junhwe have him however he desired, unravel him however he wanted, take care of him however he needed, and Donghyuk gives just as much. He never had his heart burst with so much affection and fulfillment until then.

Perhaps when the calm returns, he’d be mad at how easily they got their conclusion. Barely even a step - yet still a try, like they agreed on, and here they are already getting themselves drunk on each other. It felt like everything is finally in their right place, as if being with Junhwe is always meant to be. Indeed, how stupid they are for blinding themselves.

But that was already in the past. _Here_ they are now.

**.**

**.**

**.**

It was the nightmares that brought Junhwe into Donghyuk’s bed the first time.

It happened when their promotions for Killing Me started to ease out, some weeks after he and Park Yena broke up and he and Donghyuk got back into drinking together regularly.

Perhaps it was that - the restart of his stunted relationship with Donghyuk, that caused Junhwe to have a nightmare of losing him so cruelly, playing in his head like a sadistic drama. A false scandal. An unforgiving environment. Tears. Donghyuk leaving. Donghyuk hating everyone. Donghyuk hating _him_. Donghyuk joining and loving another group. Loving someone _else_.

And even though his common sense tried to comfort him the moment he woke up from it, Junhwe still couldn’t calm down. It was essentially a culmination of the fears he had regarding his feelings for Donghyuk, knocking on him more and more the closer he got to him; the closer Junhwe got to actually pushing himself to _try_.

So it was no accident that he’d barged into Donghyuk’s room, breathing heavy and sweat rolling down his nape. Donghyuk only had boxers on and had yelped in surprise, covering himself with his comforter and holding his phone closer to his chest, the blue-filtered light of his phone screen illuminating his pretty face.

"W-What's wrong?"

Junhwe breathed in deeply, already feeling calmed from just seeing Donghyuk. "A nightmare."

"Ah." Donghyuk nods then takes the comforter out and places his phone on the bedside table. "Wanna talk about it?"

No. It would be too risky.

But Junhwe still approaches the bed, still speaks of a nightmare albeit a made-up one. He allows himself that one moment of selfishness and takes even more when Donghyuk wordlessly shifts to the wall and leaves enough space for Junhwe to lie down too. To sleep with him.

Junhwe only managed to sleep due to the scent of spring and summer softly bouncing off of Donghyuk's hair.

Now, Junhwe will sleep with comforting heat. With the scent of _Donghyuk_ on him and his on Donghyuk's skin. Perhaps he won't even be able to sleep at all, not when he has Donghyuk like _this_. Molded into his arms as if they were born to hold each other. Their heart beats in sync, whispers of each other’s names in between liplocks, touches that leave welcomed singes.

Too fast, other people might say if they knew what was going on. They haven’t even talked properly, haven’t verbally clarified everything else, but Junhwe didn’t care. It was Donghyuk who made the first move, skipping the steps as if saying it’s how he will “try”.

It’s always been you, Donghyuk told him after enrapturing his whole being with a single, brief kiss.

Junhwe would lie if he said he wasn’t surprised. But more than that, it felt like his eyes were opened. In one frightening swoop, the equally frightening questions have been answered; the things he thought were rose-colored illusions were actually real. It would be a sin, a grave sin, not to respond just as much if not more.

“It’s always been you too.” he whispered solemnly on Donghyuk’s ear. He never got to say it after he’d kissed Donghyuk back and let their urges speak for themselves from then on, but now that they’re in the same place, on equal footing, after crossing the one-way bridge he was scared of, Junhwe just has to say it. It’s a much needed acknowledgment. A celebration.

“It’s you Donghyuk. I love you.” he kisses a sweaty brow, a hand cupping Donghyuk’s cheek. “ _I love you_.”

He grunts and embraces Donghyuk as close as he could, drowning down their cries by claiming his mouth. Donghyuk holds onto him as if he wanted to stay there forever, and Junhwe reciprocates just as much - if not more. If he could lock Donghyuk like this, only for him and away from other’s eyes and desires, he’d do it.

Such dark, scary thoughts, but Junhwe entertains it. Just for this moment.

\--

He started showing Donghyuk his secret poetry notebooks.

It’s quite amusing how Donghyuk’s the one who felt shy about it, as if he was the one pouring his pining moments into multi-volume compilations. Junhwe was never embarrassed about the poems despite hiding them. It was only for himself when he thought his feelings were only one-sided but now that he and Donghyuk are together, he wants Donghyuk to know.

Donghyuk wants him to be there whenever he reads, so Junhwe encases him between his legs, his arms around Donghyuk’s waist as Donghyuk leans his back on his chest. He patiently waits with soft hums of the melodies he recently composed, lips pressing on Donghyuk’s temple every now and then, if only to remind Donghyuk that he’s there. He’s _here_.

“Unbelievable.” Donghyuk playfully murmurs after finishing another poem. “You describe your muse too prettily.”

“There’s no such thing as too much when it comes to you.”

“God.” Donghyuk groans, pulls in his knees and hides his face in crossed arms. “Don’t say things like that. What if I believe you?”

“You better!” Junhwe huffs, then leans down to kiss the back of Donghyuk’s head. “This is my heart speaking, same as the words in my poems. My truths.”

“Your truths.” Donghyuk repeats, an emphasis obvious in his voice so Junhwe lets him ponder on the words. “Thank you, Junhwe.” he says after a moment, then lifts his head again to rest back on his chest. “And I’m sorry.”

For what, Donghyuk didn’t continue. But Junhwe knows. It’s all over his poetry, all over the stash of composed songs. It’s all over Donghyuk’s insecurities, _his_ insecurities. Too much thoughts. Too little thoughts. Too much words. Too much silence.

“I’m sorry too.”

“I love you.”

Junhwe smiles, releases a soft, shuddering breath at the three words directed at him. He still can’t quite believe he has the honor to receive it from Donghyuk now.

“I love you too.”

Those three words are all Junhwe needs. No need for anything else.

\--

I love you, Donghyuk greets, whenever Junhwe wakes up in the morning and sees Donghyuk’s pretty smile.

I love you, Donghyuk murmurs, when they broke the news to their beloved team, cheers and affectionate jeers surrounding them.

I love you, Donghyuk gasps into Junhwe’s mouth, as Junhwe fucks him into sweet release.

Junhwe says it back. Whenever he can. Whenever he wants.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

\--

  
  


I love you, Junhwe says it still, amidst a scandal of his character. He said it out of desperation. Of panic.

Junhwe didn’t even realize something’s amiss until the headlines blew in his face. It was all just playful banter in his mind, something he always does with their fans. Their iKONICs should know right?

No. He had been short-sighted.

“It’ll be fine June. It’ll all blow over soon. Jaeho-hyung said you just have to write an apology letter and--”

“I told that fan not to tell me what to do and you want me to do exactly that? Play into what they want? I like Kitano-san’s work, and so? Should I delete all my IG posts now?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“But you still don’t understand! Someone like you will never understand--

And then there’s a stop in his raging thoughts. Dread forms.

“Fuck, that’s not it!” Junhwe’s breath hitched. Donghyuk looked stunned, horrified and Junhwe reached out to embrace him. “No, no no. Donghyuk, listen to me. I love you. I love you, okay?”

Donghyuk doesn’t say it back.

Instead, he swallows down a sob, curls his fingers into fists and pushes himself off Junhwe. Junhwe attempts to hold him again but Donghyuk recoils further.

“Donghyuk--”

“You love me?” Donghyuk’s voice is trembling as he spat the words. Red lined his eyes, tears dangling, and Junhwe had to bite down another plea. "Yeah, you do. But not enough to trust me.”

Grim starts to drown Junhwe. Donghyuk’s words seem to echo around their Osaka hotel room and his mind is completely blank, refusing to produce the right words to say.

“You’re right, I don’t understand June. I thought you already trust me to let me in but you still keep me outside _._ You still keep that wall around me.” Donghyuk pauses, as if he can’t bring himself to say the next words. “What am I to you?”

Say something, Junhwe screams in his mind. Fucking say something before Donghyuk misunderstands more. Whatever it is Donghyuk thought Junhwe meant, it’s wrong.

_“Someone like you will never understand--”_

Fright climbs from his stomach to his heart, choking at his throat. Why is this happening?

“I love you.” Junhwe sobs, stepping closer, hands reaching again. He hopes those three words will be right this time. “I love you, Donghyuk. Please.”

It’s not.

Donghyuk rubs his face in two hands and exhales deeply. Junhwe waits in a painfully tense silence, too afraid to make a move or say another damn word.

“Let’s… stay apart for awhile. Okay, Junhwe?”

Donghyuk leaves without giving Junhwe a chance to stop him. Junhwe stands there in a myriad of mind screams. Confusion? Disappointment? Anger? Yes, anger. At Donghyuk. At himself.

This is even more painful than just pining his love away.

\--

But even if the hurts pile up, Junhwe is still unwaveringly sure of one thing.

His truths have never changed. Those poems he wrote, the songs he sang, his memories. Everything he shared with Donghyuk is, and will always be, his truth. He’ll maneuver himself around it. Steer his imperfections aside so he’ll change for the better. Understand better. _See_ better. With his mind and heart.

It’s been almost a month. His IG scandal had started to fully subside, his members forgave him, and the three words Junhwe reserved only for Donghyuk are still as intangibly clear and real.

I love you, he says, but only in his heart for now because he knows that’s not what Donghyuk needs at the moment. He lifts his hands in waiting, asking for permission to touch, and Donghyuk sighs, almost shuddering in his breath as he presses his palms on Junhwe’s and laces their fingers together.

This time, Junhwe knows the right thing to say.

“I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

He pauses, resists the urge to pull Donghyuk and cage him in his arms. Solemnly, he explains himself. He admits to foolishly believing everything had solved itself, when in truth he still keeps Donghyuk at bay, away from the innermost parts of his own self. It was still the same envy, the same insecurity, the fear of rejection, no matter how insignificant they all are now compared to how much Junhwe loves him. He thought his feelings are all he-- _they_ needed, but they’re very different people in more than a few ways. It was like so when they were still teenagers trying to debut, and even now when they made their feelings clear.

It’s Donghyuk who steps closer, pressing his chest on Junhwe’s and resting his head on the crook of Junhwe’s neck. “I was wrong too. I should have held back, should have given you more space before talking, and I shouldn’t have let our cool-off take this long.”

Junhwe releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Tentatively, he releases Donghyuk’s hands to wrap his arms around the other’s frame. “It still worked in favor for us. My head’s much clearer now.”

Donghyuk nods. “I think I was scared you’ll decide I’m not worth it after all.”

It was such a ridiculous notion for Junhwe but because he thought the same, he didn’t feel angry or embarrassed. “I was scared too.” he simply says, and lets Donghyuk know how much through the desperate tightness of his hold.

“Ah, we’re still stupid cowards.” Donghyuk laughs and rubs his back. Junhwe bites down a cry of relief. “And we have _a lot_ of differences to work on.”

It only means they’ll have to work twice as hard, something he and Donghyuk had been doing ever since they stepped into YGE as trainees.

“Can we do that, Junhwe? Work on ourselves and learn together?”

Junhwe didn’t miss a heartbeat. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I want.”

\--

And learn they did.

Months. Years. Through more misunderstandings, arguments, wrong choices. Through fame and failures. Ups and downs. Through happiness, both simple and extravagant. Everything - all through it, as individuals, as a couple, with friends and family.

Absence will be another thing to learn from too.

"I look like an egg." Donghyuk says with a pout. He looks up at Junhwe in expectation, hands on the table as he plays with the two rings he never let go, both representing love.

They're 28. They're a far cry from their younger selves now.

"You do." Junhwe smirks as Donghyuk glares at him. "A pretty egg."

He props an arm on the table and rests his chin on a palm. His eyes see nothing but this man in front of him, hair buzzed cut in preparation for his military enlistment and looking so different from the soft-voiced seductive angel who sang and danced in front of thousands of fans.

It's Kim Donghyuk in front of him. _His_ Donghyuk.

"Beautiful."

He watches with rapt interest as red blooms in Donghyuk's cheeks. Donghyuk breaks eye contact and holds his wine glass, drinking his white Moscato with a grace only he possesses.

God, Junhwe is missing him already.

As if reading his mind, Donghyuk sets the wine glass aside and takes his free hand, fingers reaching for the creases of his digits so they could lock their hold. "The hyungs said it'll be hard at first, but two years will be gone before we know it."

Junhwe runs his thumb on Donghyuk’s skin. “Everyone says that. The problem is I definitely won’t be able to survive without you in my bed for _years_.”

“Oh, hush.” Donghyuk sniggers at him but his eyes are crinkled in a smile. “It’s not like I’ll completely disappear.”

Neither of them mention the breaks because there's no use and that’s not the point. Following Donghyuk, Junhwe will be enlisting in an awkward time, such that most of their standard military breaks won't overlap. Donghyuk will be done with his service by the time Junhwe's midway through his.

It'll be very difficult, Junhwe won't deny that. Donghyuk knows it too, he's sure. A lot of things can happen in about four years of not being physically together no matter how swift time will pass. A lot of variables, both known and unknown, will affect them and who knows how those years will turn out. The ending is as clear as their heart is, though, and it's precisely why they kept learning through everything. Their destination remained and will continue to remain unchanged.

And so Junhwe takes out the representation of that very ending.

"A card?" Donghyuk quirks up both eyebrows as Junhwe places the silver metal in front of him. “Are you giving me one of your cc’s?” he jokes.

Junhwe only smiles as he pushes it for Donghyuk to take. “It’s not a cc. It’s a key card, one of the two provided. I have the other one.”

He watches as realization dawns on Donghyuk. “Y-You mean…?”

“Dara-noona recommended it to me. It’s near Hangang and security’s apparently top-notch.”

“June...”

“It has two bedrooms.” he reaches for Donghyuk’s hand again, thumb caressing one of the two rings adorning Donghyuk’s fingers, the one given by him. “Only as a screen, of course. No way we’ll be sleeping in separate rooms.”

Donghyuk finally picks up the key card. Stares at it, flips it over, and flips it again.

“Is this why you insisted on having dinner in this fancy ass restaurant?”

Junhwe nods, still watching every miniscule movement in Donghyuk’s face. He finds a hint of bewilderment there, nervousness, and even apprehension. But even so, the glint in his eyes is as bright as that night they first confessed to each other.

“Four years from now, after I’m done with my service, I’ll wait.”

That effectively pulled Donghyuk’s attention away from the key card. The look in his eyes softens. “You’re giving me a choice?”

Of course, Junhwe says. Of course, Donghyuk will always have a choice no matter how inevitable their destination is. That’s one thing Junhwe steadfastly learned in all the years leading to this moment. Donghyuk understands even if he doesn’t elaborate and his response isn’t surprising either.

“You have a choice too.”

Junhwe smiles, taps the key card with his index finger. “I do and I already made one. You’re holding it in your hands.”

His heart. His future. All in Donghyuk’s hands.

“Mn.” Donghyuk blinks out the tears and laughs softly, taking another moment to compose himself. Then with the glint still twinkling in his eyes, he lifts the key card to press a small kiss on it.

“Guess I'll have to wait as well to tell you mine.”

**.**

**.**

**.**

Donghyuk huffs in satisfaction as he steps back to look at his work. Finally, after more than necessary trial-and-error rounds, he managed to perfectly install the art painting Yunhyeong gifted them. Should have been sooner if Junhwe didn’t insist he can align it on the wall better.

As if on cue, Junhwe comes back from arranging the mattress in their bedroom. He runs his hand through his still growing buzz cut out of habit, then whistles in awe as he mockingly congratulates Donghyuk for aligning the painting. Donghyuk rolls his eyes and finally notices the small box secured in Junhwe’s left arm.

He watches as Junhwe places it down, opens it to take out a wine bottle and two matching mugs. Junhwe twists the cap in one try and fills the two mugs about half-way, letting Donghyuk take one and have a sip before him.

Donghyuk lets the liquid roll in his tongue. Huh, sparkling rosé wine. The same one, just like back then.

Ah, _this_ man. Trust him to remember details like the significance of this particular drink and (still) forget the standard ones like his birthday (which is today and Junhwe has until midnight to remember, if he does at all).

Not that it’s of any consequence. His heart remains full and assured.

“Hey, Koo Junhwe.” he nudges the taller man, eyes back on the painting. “I love you.”

He senses Junhwe’s gaze on him, quite heavy with intention, and if he noticed the growing tears in Donghyuk’s eyes, he didn’t say a thing.

“I love you too.” Junhwe nudges back, then plants a kiss on Donghyuk’s cheek. Donghyuk doesn’t comment on the shaky voice and the soft sniffles.

There’s no need to say more. Silence comfortably takes over as they bask in the sunset’s warmth from their apartment’s floor-to-ceiling windows, both of them savoring their sparkling rosé. They settle on the floor at some point, leaning their backs on the wall, lips bruised from hungry kisses, as they stare at Yunhyeong’s painting and pretend to analyze what it’s all about. Donghyuk has no idea other than it’s an experimental abstract and he’s sure Junhwe only knows just as much.

Oh, well. They have the rest of their lives to figure it out, drinking together while they're at it.

**.**

**.**

**.**


End file.
